New Feature – Client Testimonials on your Profile
Posted on June 15, 2010 at 10:40 am by: Noomii
Want to boost your profile’s appeal to prospective clients?
One of our most-requested features by both clients and coaches is client testimonials. Prospective clients want to read about a coach’s past success stories, and coaches of course want to showcase their work!
So we’ve added a very simple “Client Testimonials” widget to the profile page for our professional coaches. To add your client testimonials, just log in, go to your profile page, and click on the “add testimonials” button at the bottom-right of the screen. Enter your testimonial, click “create”, and you’re done! You can add as many client testimonials as you like. Just make sure you get permission from you clients beforehand, and don’t forget to ask if it’s okay to use their real names.
How to Choose a Life Coach – A Panel Discussion in Portland Oregon
Posted on March 24, 2010 at 3:38 pm by: Terrene
What exactly is life coaching? How can you hire a coach? What can a coach do for you? If you live in the Portland Area and would like answers to your coaching questions, Zimmerman Community Center (ZCC), a not-for-profit organization with a mission to build community in the River District of Oregon, and Keen Footwear have organized a panel discussion to help you learn more.
Through strengthening of civic and spiritual life for residents of the region, the center aspires to be a ‘community gathering space for those who live, work and play’ in the River District. As part of the Center’s efforts to strengthen the community, they have organized a panel discussion which will examine life coaching – what it is, the benefits of using a life coach, and how to find the right life coach for you. The panel will be comprised of the following three coaches who will discuss how they can help you achieve personal growth and change, as well as provide real-life examples that demonstrate the effectiveness of life coaching:
Andrew MacDonald, Cor life Consulting
Jemila Kwon, Leap! Coaching
David Mullen, Global Strategic Leadership, LLC.
The discussion will be moderated by Nancy Davis of ZCC, and the panel will answer questions from the moderator as well as the audience. In addition, life and career coaching materials will be available, and all attendees will have the opportunity to win one of the free coaching sessions donated by the panellists.
The event will be open to the public on Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 from 7:00 – 8:30pm at Keen (926 NW 13th avenue, Portland). There is no fee to enter, however a donation of $5 – $15 is suggested. Registration can be done on the ZCC website or by calling 503.224.4636. All interested participants are encouraged to reserve your seat today.
If you live in the Portland Area and you are considering hiring a Portland life coach, this is a great, cost-efficient opportunity to learn more about the benefits of coaching. For more information about the event please contact ZCC at 503.224.4636 or e-mail Nancy Davis at nancy@zcommunitycenter.org.
Creating Amazing Relationships
Posted on March 24, 2010 at 8:59 am by: Contributing
The topic of “relationships” is indeed a popular one, because, after all, it’s all relationships! We exist in a world where enjoying even a cup of coffee requires the cooperation and coordination of a myriad of relationships. Whether these are personal or professional, intimate or casual, it serves each and every one of us to truly understand how relationships really work. And it especially serves us to commit to enhancing all of our relationships. If nations did this, war would cease. If individuals did so, love and joy would replace ever so much drama.
So how do relationships really work? It helps to begin with one important fact. The common denominator in all of your relationships is you. Thus any patterns are obviously being created by your repeating choices, hopefully good ones. To be even more accurate, you are actually creating all of your relationships. Without going too deeply into quantum science, suffice it to say that each of us is vibrationally attracting everything we experience. Much of this occurs unconsciously and that is where the trouble starts!
If we are experiencing a difficult relationship, we usually reason that if the other person would just behave differently, everything would be better. We have a tendency to want to change each other. This not only fails to work, but only serves to further the control drama that is already playing out. In his book, The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz clearly explains the fallacy of human relationships which is based on the premise of two people trying to re-mold each other. He aptly notes that we never play out this senseless dynamic with out beloved pets. We do not wish Rover was Fluffy, or vice versa! It would work ever so well were we to treat people likewise.
Diving a bit deeper into why we would get into ugly control dramas with one another, we come upon the concept and practice of “projection.” Human beings are so very prone to see what we expect to see instead of simply observing one another in a neutral fashion. We see life and each other through the lenses of our “stories,” that is, through our life experiences. And what we believe about life, and each other, is projected upon what we perceive. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy which is at the core of our repeating relationship patterns. Vibrationally speaking, we are co-creating relationship patterns by energetically attracting them. Quantum science has proven that we actually create via our perception. Gregg Braden explains all this very simply and clearly in The Divine Matrix. His study of ancient Tibetan wisdom further reveals that there are three Universal Fears underlying Five Mirrors of Relationship. These fears are:
- 1.) separation and abandonment;
- 2.) low self-worth; and
- 3.) surrender and trust.
These, in various combination, result in our projecting these fears into our relationships. He describes five ways that we play out our deepest fears about relationships in our actual relationships. This projection of our fears creates a mirror, within which we can perceive ourselves and hopefully heal our deepest interpersonal wounds.
In short, all roads lead back to us. We create the world we are living in, right down to each relationship in it. This is sobering, but immensely empowering. Instead of creating painful and dramatic relationships, we can create cooperative and joyful ones. The Vortex, by Esther and Jerry Hicks focuses on just that — how to attract all manner of cooperative relationships in every area of life. The key is to be in highest alignment with oneself. This translates to arriving at a high level of self-acceptance and self-reverence. As within, so without. This inner peace and love will literally draw like energies toward it, like a magnetic tuning fork! This is a central energetic law called the Law of Attraction.
This understanding of relationships would be well worth your time and attention to study and practice. Indeed it really is all relationships, and yours are created by you. Try some of this on and watch the magic happen!
About the Author
Victoria A. Vetere, PhD, HC is an Enlightened Life Coach living in Columbus, Ohio. She offers individual life coaching sessions, teaches group classes, writes and speaks about life enhancement utilizing powerful energetic principles blending Eastern and Western wisdom. You can contact her via her website at www.EnlightenedLifeCoaching.com.
The Noomii Goal-Setting Resource
Posted on February 26, 2010 at 2:46 am by: Noomii
Welcome to Noomii’s comprehensive resource for goal-setting. From Frequently Asked Questions regarding SMART goals and goal-setting, to articles on specific types of goals such as mastery or approach goals, we have tons of valuable insight and information to answer all of your goal-setting needs.
Goals help & FAQ’s
Learn more about how to create and prioritize your goals, and read frequently asked questions about goals, goal-setting, and Noomii’s Goals tool.
SMART Goals
What is a SMART goal? Learn all about SMART goals here!
Why You Don’t Want to Aim to Crush Your Opponents
Read this blog post comparing mastery and performance goals – why setting goals to beat your personal best are better than goals in which we compare ourselves to other people.
A Coaching Activity for Writing Approach Goals
Adopt a simple coaching activity on how to write goals for maximum achievement effectiveness.
Make Commitments Stick by Specifying Time and Place
Learn more about setting SMART goals and an activity on how to set goals that emphasize time and place to improve the likelihood of success.
Future Visualization to Achieve Goals, Not Just Good Vibrations
This Noomii blog post talks about why using third-person visualizations to achieve your goals is more effective than first-person visualizations.
Not taking the time to coach? The how and why of a simple coaching agreement
An article on our blog about how a coaching agreement is effective in helping achieve your client’s goals, including a free download of a simple, effective coaching agreement.
Create and Achieve Your New Year’s Resolutions
A simple exercise to help you and your client’s clarify and achieve your New year’s resolutions.
Tips on How to Help Your Coaching Partner Achieve their Goals
10 great tips to be an excellent pair coaching partner and help your buddy set and achieve their goals!
Read more goal-setting articles written and submitted by Noomii coaches.
Interested in finding a life coach to help you set and achieve your goals? To find the right coach for you, visit the Noomii coaching directory or contact us directly for recommendations!
If you are a coach and would like to contribute to our Noomii blog, newsletter or articles pages, contact Stephan Wiedner at stephan@noomii.com or 1-800-278-1057.
Business Coaching Takes Vancouver Moving Company From Good to Great
Posted on February 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm by: Stephan
Quality Move Management (QMM) started using the services of a business coach in 2005. One year later, they won the 2006 ICF Vancouver Prism Award for business coaching excellence. I did some follow-up investigation to see how coaching was still impacting their business.
I was pleased to learn that over five years later, QMM is still employing business coaching – a true testament to the power of coaching. “I can’t imagine leading a business without coaching” says QMM President and CEO, Kevin St. George.
I asked Mr. St. George a number of other questions to get more details about his business and coaching. He has provided a glowing testimonial for coaching – yet another reason to attend the Prism event.
1. What were the top 3 benefits that you experienced from the coaching leading up to being a Prism winner in 2006?
Kevin: Wow, that seems like a long time ago! It’s impossible to compare our current company and culture to what we had pre-coaching. When I think back to what led up to being a Prism winner in 2006, I think of the benefits of having authentic conversations; creating a culture where everyone’s development is foremost; and significantly impacting our employee engagement.
I can’t imagine leading a business without coaching.
QMM President & CEO Kevin St. George
We focused on getting the right people on the “bus” and then keeping them. People knew they were valued and they were encouraged to provide input on how we could improve the company – and improve the company we have. Today the average tenure of our senior leaders is more than 9 years (QMM is 14 years old). I venture a guess that if we didn’t make the major shifts we did as a result of coaching, most of the senior leaders we had at the time would be employed elsewhere today.
2. Since 2006, have you been coaching and if so, to what extent?
Kevin: Yes, we have absolutely continued with coaching. We just wrapped-up six month coaching stints with two front-line operation managers. Our budget for 2010 allows for 4 coaching assignments and we already have the candidates identified. All of our senior leaders (4) and 3 out of 4 of our front-line leaders have had coaching over the past 4-5 years. 3 of the 4 coaching candidates in 2010 will be staff that are moving “up” into manager positions – we fully expect to provide them with coaching to help support them during the transition. I don’t ever see QMM not having a focus on development through coaching.
Resources
- Vancouver Business Coaches – Vancouver boasts some of the finest coaches in the world.
- Black Tusk Leadership – Offering executive coaching, leadership development, and organization development.
3. What results have you achieved since 2006 that you attribute to coaching?
Kevin: QMM is one of the most respected household goods moving companies in Western Canada. We’re widely known as being an organization that cares about their people and where anything is possible – QMM is a GREAT place to work. Some of the achievements that come to mind are:
- being named the #2 most financially successful Allied agent in the western half of the US/Canada in 2008 (2009 announcement still pending);
- equaling our best year ever in 2009 in spite of the so-called recession around us; and
- establishing a very conservative growth budget of 18% in 2010.
In our fall 2009 employee survey (98% participation level, 4.25/5.00 average score) the top 3 rated questions were: I know what is expected of me in my job; I understand QMM’s vision, mission and values; and QMM does a good job of providing information on how well it is performing against its strategic plan.
4. What is the most compelling argument for any other small or medium-sized business to develop a coaching program?
Kevin: Before coaching I think I was a typical small business owner. I was able to grow the business to certain size but not further. Intuitively I did some leadership “things” well but overall I was task focused. Coaching opened up my world and allowed QMM to “scale up” – primarily through development of people supported by coaching. Today we are poised for significant growth in same location sales as well as through expansion and acquisition.
What’s your success story?
Do you have a coaching story to share? Contact me if you would like to get something published on our blog – stephan@noomii.com or 1-800-278-1057.
Tagline: We ease the load in times of change.Website: qmm.com
Location: Vancouver & Calgary, Canada
Years in Business: 14
Years Coaching: 6
We are the Vancouver and Calgary movers committed to providing world-class relocation solutions of the highest quality for individuals, families, employees and businesses. Worldwide, our clients receive dedicated service from an award-winning team trained to go above and beyond expectations. With a proven record of accomplishment of innovation and value, we have the resources to ensure your relocation is a success from start to finish. We are committed to being the best relocation and moving services company in Canada.
Attend the Vancouver ICF Prism Event – It’s Well Worth the $50 Bucks
Posted on February 24, 2010 at 9:33 am by: Stephan
If you’re a Vancouver business coach looking for lucrative paying clients, the International Coach Federation (ICF) Vancouver Chapter Prism Awards is about the best way to invest $50. It may seem like a lot of money for breakfast but it will make you a better coach and it’s a great marketing opportunity.
Become a better business coach
The ICF Vancouver Prism event is not aiming to be an educational event but it’s the equivalent of some of the best 90-minute coach training programs you can find. It’s well worth the money for the education alone.
Get listed and start getting clients today.
By attending the ICF Vancouver prism event, you get to learn from some of Vancouver’s finest coaches. Vancouver boasts some of the earliest pioneers of the coaching world. For example, the Vancouver chapter of the ICF was one of the first chapters ever formed and one of its founders, Alison Hendren MCC, happens to be ICF member number 2.
As a result, coaches in the Vancouver area are providing some of the most innovative business coaching programs in the world. Depending on the needs of the clients, Vancouver business coaches are providing coach training workshops, encouraging peer coaching programs, facilitating pro-bono coaching for those in need, developing coaching games and software, and more. The Prism event is your opportunity to learn from others so you can expand your service offering. It’s worth the price of admission.
Get paying clients
Do you want a cost-effective way to turn warm leads into paying clients? Look no further. The Prism event is effectively a 90-minute endorsement for coaching. Your prospective clients will be wowed by the bottom-line benefits claimed by the winning companies.
If you have been engaged in conversations with local business owners who are considering your services, buy them a ticket for the Prism event. They will hear first-hand testimonials for the value of coaching from like-minded business owners who tried coaching and succeeded – like Kevin St. George of Quality Move Management. Read his business coaching success story.
There’s no hard sell. There’s no lengthy conversations explaining what coaching is. Your prospective clients will “get it”. And you’ll be there at the right time and place, ready to start them on their journey into coaching. It’s well worth the investment!
About the Prism Award
Three cities in Canada have adopted the Prism award: Toronto, Calgary, and Vancouver. ICF Vancouver has been hosting the Prism Award since 2005. Also in 2005, ICF Global adopted the Prism award for business coaching excellence across international borders. The ICF Global Prism award is handed out during the annual ICF conference.
About ICF Vancouver
The ICF Vancouver chapter was formed in 1999 and currently has close to 300 members. Its members reside as far west as Vancouver Island and as far east as the Kootenays.
Buy Tickets for the Prism Event
Early Bird Single Ticket $55:
Early Bird Table Tickets (8 seats) – $400
The Martha Beck Life Coach Training Program – An Insider’s Perspective
Posted on February 23, 2010 at 8:29 am by: Terrene
Bridgette Boudreau is a Martha Beck certified coach, Master weight coach and head coach of her weight loss coaching group, ‘Weight Shift Coaching’. Bridgette also serves as Program Coordinator for Martha Beck’s Life Coaching Training Program. Despite her demanding schedule, I was fortunate enough to have the chance to speak with Bridgette about Martha, the Martha Beck Life Coach Training Program and her role as coordinator.
Noomii: Can you tell me a little about Martha Beck and the background of her life coach training program?
Bridgette: Martha was a professor at Thunderbird School for International Business about 10 years ago…While she was teaching at the school, students kept coming to her office and asking her what to do with their lives. She found that she was able to speak with the students in a different way than most people would. The students kept coming in and even started referring her. Eventually a magazine article referred to her as a “life coach”, but the title did not concern Martha, she just genuinely enjoyed helping, guiding and coaching her students.
At the same time Martha began a writing career and wrote books including “Finding Your Own North Star”. She enjoyed working with other coaches and people interested in helping others so much that she started training coaches on her methodology. She ran intensive weekend courses that left she and the students exhausted. Martha knew that there had to be a better way to deliver the course material.
In the end she worked with some of her Master Certified Coaches and developed a comprehensive 8 month training program that is mostly delivered over the phone with people all over the world. Apart from the schooling, there are opportunities to get together with the other students and do a meet and greet to spend organized time with Martha in person.
Noomii: Is there a typical student that you are looking for?
Bridgette: There is not a typical student at all. We have people with and without college educations. We are starting to see more men entering the program. There is certainly not a model student.
In terms of Introvert vs. Extrovert, generally speaking coaches tend be extroverts, however there are certain types of coaching such as writing coaching, and methods of coaching, like email vs. phone, that lend themselves to more introverted personalities.
In addition, although no formal education is required before entering the program, we have found that our students like to read and have a passion for educating themselves.
I will tell you this – the people that have the most success with our program are the people that are naturally drawn to helping others. If you are a person that others consistently seek out for advice, they always want to bounce ideas off of you and most importantly, you enjoy being that person, then coaching is a career path your should consider. That is the person that we are looking for and the person who will benefit the most from Martha Beck’s Life Coach Training Program.
Noomii: Is there a set amount of experience (business, career or personal) that a student must have before entering the program?
Bridgette: As I mentioned earlier, there is no set amount of experiences, education or employment background that a person must have before entering the program. People should begin the training when they feel called to come and are hungry to do it. Most importantly, they should be the kind of person that has a strong desire to help other people in the first place.
Noomii: What distinguishes this school from any others that offer life coach training?
Bridgette: The difference really lies in the process. With Martha’s School, the focus is on doing your own internal work before taking action. For me, it was looking internally before taking the leap from marketer to coach. The training helps pave the way by finding what feels right for each student client. Part of this process works on dissolving the “fears” or “should haves” that get in the way of their path or dreams. Once these fears are dissolved, our student clients can tap into their own intrinsic fears and motivations. They can start making moves and decisions that are bigger or riskier, but are pointing them in the path of their career right life.
We believe that people inherently know what is right for them and we help them access that. Ultimately, we help people “fail forward”. We recognize that you are going to have failures along the journey, but we help you continue forward. All of this is built on Martha Beck’s research and experiences.
Martha is just an incredible person; at the same time a rigorously trained Harvard researcher and also a Mystic – It is a unique blend. She blends her background as a rigorously trained Harvard researcher with the understanding that we are emotional beings seeking to satisfy our souls. Our educational base is in science and we use tools to help quantify the coaching process. This is blended with the idea that people truly do know what’s right for them—our job as Martha Beck coaches is to help people reach inside themselves and discover what they truly want from life access this information.
Noomii: What is your role at Martha Beck?
Bridgette: When I am working with Martha Beck’s Life Coach Training Program, I am the program coordinator. I basically run Martha’s life coach training program. I take all questions from the “Coaching Cadets” as Martha likes to call our incoming students and am the go to point person during training sessions for people in the program. It is a temporary one-year position as Martha is really conscious of the fact that she wants all of her coaches to have careers outside of her training programs. She doesn’t want to become a large corporation so every year there is a new person in my role.
Bridgette Boudreau is a Seattle-based life coach and the Program Coordinator for Martha Beck’s Life Coach Training Program, a Master Certified Weight Coach and Head Coach at Weight Shift Coaching, a weight loss coaching group “for smart women sick of crappy diets”.
If you are interested in being interviewed on behalf of a coaching school please contact jesse@noomii.com
The ABCs of Believing in Others
Posted on February 18, 2010 at 8:09 am by: Stephan
What does teaching elementary school kids their A-B-Cs and 1-2-3s have to do with helping people live more happy and healthy lives?
I recently had the privilege of hearing a keynote speech by Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar. He was first made famous when the attendence of his introductory positive psychology class at Harvard swelled from eight to 800 students within three years.
Ben-Shahar gave praise to Marva Collins, an elementary school teacher who made headlines in the 70s and 80s for doing the impossible. She dropped herself into the heart of the Chicago slums to teach what are dubbed the rejects, ne’er-do-well’s, and troubled children of society.
The results: every one of her students graduated from highschool and their average grades were higher than the state’s average.
Her story is dated but the lessons are as valuable today as they were 20 or 30 years ago. She uses a tough love, no non-sense, you-can-do-it approach to motivate and inspire children to want to learn. And boy did they learn. Check out this video produced by 60 Minutes which offers a follow-up with a small handful of her students, 15 years after the fact.
I am not an expert teacher. Nor am I an expert on the Marva Collins approach but I have tried to dissect the key methods that she uses. Whether you are a teacher, a parent, a coach, or a leader in your organization, we can all learn from these lessons.
1. B is for Believe … in everyone
Marva Collins was given a list of students with long rap sheets and assessed learning deficiencies. The first thing she did was threw them away. She believed that every student could learn and it was her job to ensure that they did. No excuses.
If you are coaching someone or working with a team, you have to believe that they are capable of anything. This is particularly relevant if you are working with someone you’ve known for a while. Don’t get hung up by your limiting beliefs about them and don’t let them go on and on about excuses and reasons why not.
Of course that’s easier said than done. Watch this 20 second perception test I created to see how tricky it can be.
2. A is for Ask … the Right Question
Did you get tricked by the video above? Did you notice how the question encouraged you to look for colors on a clock and by doing so, you may have completely missed out on what time the clock said it was?
Marva Collins always asked herself how she was going to teach the children. Or more importantly, how she was going to convince the children to want to learn. She was constantly looking for answers to those questions and customizing her approach to meet the individual needs of the students.
Had she asked the question “how am I going to keep these kids off the street?” or “how am I going to survive another day?” the results could have been completely different.
When you are working with a client, friend, or team, are you asking yourself the right question?
3. C is for Compliment … your Clients and the People Around You
It’s not always rosy when it comes to bringing out the best in others. Sometimes you need to be firm to maintain high expectations for people. Marva Collins did this by offering compliments to her students before correcting them. She also instructed other teachers to do the same to see the good in their students.
- “Your shoes are very stylish, dear. Please tuck your shirt in.”
- “Speak up honey. You are brilliant!”
- “Anthony, you are such a hard worker! Now remember, ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’.”
You can do the same for your clients. You don’t have to find that magical compliment that touches their deepest desires. Just commenting on their shoes lets them know that you are paying attention to them.
If you want to learn more about Marva Collins, she authored a book title the Marva Collins’ Way. I highly recommend it, even if you are not a teacher.
Please leave your comments and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you.
Are you a Chicago life coach? Register today for Noomii and we’ll help you find your ideal clients.
Why You Don’t Want to Aim to Crush Your Opponents
Posted on February 17, 2010 at 8:00 am by: Kurt
The Winter Games are here, and the world is once again watching as athletes at the top of their respective games go for gold.
And while each of the athlete’s dedication to being the best in the world is worthy of admiration, researchers studying goal theory have given us reason to be cautious when creating such lofty goals.
That’s because the evidence shows that, while having goals is indeed good for our general wellbeing, the types of goals we have may affect our emotional health. Specifically, some studies suggest that we are better off setting goals in which we strive to beat our personal best, rather than goals in which we compare ourselves to other people.
In an article on approach goals vs avoidance goals, I described a study by researchers at Nothwestern University who found that students who thought of their goals in approach terms had higher wellbeing scores than those who tended towards avoidance goals. In other words, we’re better off trying to move toward a goal (e.g. “I will improve my grades”) rather than avoiding something (e.g. “I will not fail calculus”).
That same study, however, also described another goal-setting dimension that correlated with general wellbeing: mastery vs. performance goals. A performance goal is one in which your progress is measured against someone else, while a mastery goal is one where your progress is measured against yourself.
Examples of mastery goals would be things like “I will beat my personal best time in track and field”, “I will lose 20 pounds”, or “I will increase my sales revenue by 20%”. Examples of performance goals would be “I will be the top performer this month on the sales team”, “I will weigh less than my sister”, or “I will win the gold medal”.
Unfortunately for the Olympic athletes competing for gold, it’s exactly these kinds of performance goals – ones that pit themselves against others – that the Northwestern researchers found were associated with lower levels of physical and emotional health than mastery goals.
So the bottom line for coaches of non-Olympians (which, let’s face it, is most of us) is clear – get your clients to focus on improving themselves rather than comparing themselves with others if they want to be healthier and happier!
Navigating the dark and ugly waters of spousal infidelity
Posted on February 16, 2010 at 10:51 am by: Stephan
While Tiger and Elin Woods might make the headlines, millions of ordinary couples are also grappling with the pain of adultery.
“Elin might feel incredibly isolated and alone,” suggests relationship coach Hadley Earabino, “but this planet is full of men and women who have experienced the pain of betrayal.”
Tiger is allegedly struggling with a sex addiction, which some doctors classify as a disease. But the basic story – a spouse cheating on another spouse – is overwhelmingly common.
A 2002 study in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy indicates that up to 55% of married women and 60% of married men engage in some kind of cheating over the course of their married life. That means that the number of people who cheat on their spouse is about the same as the number of people who play video games, Earabino points out.
“Elin is definitely not alone in this situation,” adds Earabino, “She might be feeling alone, as well as shocked, angry and humiliated, but she is definitely in good company.”
Expert relationship coach Hadley Earabino has kindly provided us with 3 amazing tips for navigating, as an individual or as a coach, the dark and ugly waters stirred up by infidelity:
1. Know that both parties suffer
Tiger is allegedly suffering with a sex addiction, which is the case for many chronic philanderers. While scientists do not agree on whether out-of-control sexuality should be called an “addiction” or an “obsessive-compulsive disorder,” they all agree that the addict suffers. One 1991 study by prominent addiction expert Patrick Carnes, showed that out of the 752 male and 180 female sex addicts surveyed, nearly all of them reported strong feelings of shame, isolation, loneliness, hopelessness and despair as a result of their addiction.
While the field of sex addiction research is new (the Carnes study was the first of its’ kind,) the number of people seeking relief in “sex rehab” is growing rapidly. In all likelihood, Tiger is actually suffering deeply, and has been for some time.
Loosening her attachment to the thought, “I’m the only one suffering,” might relieve some of Elin’s anguish, and give her a broader perspective.
2. Understand that people are homo-sapiens
According to at least one therapy journal, about half of married people cheat at some point. If that isn’t enough to make you realize how common this problem is, it turns out most people philander at about the same time. There may be a kind of biological divorce clock.
According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of The Anatomy of Love, what this couple is going through is actually typical of the species.
The Statistical Office of the United Nations takes a census every ten years. Fisher reports that if you look at this sample, from all over the world, it turns out that divorce – for couples in 58 different cultures – peaks at the four-year mark.
Why four years? (We thought it was the seven-year-itch.) Fisher has a theory about this finding. “The human pair bond originally evolved to last long enough to raise a single child through infancy,” she writes. “The four-year human reproductive cycle may be a biological phenomenon.”
And guess what? Tiger and Elin are headed for their fourth anniversary this year, unless they divorce. It turns out that evolutionarily speaking, having a child draws a man and a woman together at least long enough to raise that child through infancy. After that, the drive to stay together is weakened, and divorce or separation is more likely.
If we believe Fisher’s theory, there may be a biological factor involved in why so many marriages break up at around the four-year mark. This does not excuse Tiger’s behavior, or anyone else’s, but we are not here to judge. A coach can help you put your problems in perspective–eventually.
3. There is clean pain and there is dirty pain
Of course, someone who has just experienced a betrayal by a spouse is going to hit you with a baseball bat if you make any of these suggestions right away. Here’s an important distinction: There is clean pain and then there is dirty pain.
You’re in tears because you just found out your husband slept with a dozen women…and counting = Clean Pain
You’re constantly in tears because your ex-husband slept with another woman thirty years ago = Dirty Pain
Proponents of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) subscribe to the belief that we can let go of unnecessary suffering by making this distinction.
Clean pain is fresh. It is raw. It makes other people want to cry too.
Dirty pain is old. It has been recycled over and over. It doesn’t make other people want to cry with you, it makes other people want to turn on the television.
That bit about dirty pain was a bit of an exaggeration, but it helps make the point. Most of the pain we deal with on a daily basis—as coaches and as clients—is dirty pain. It is the thoughts we are having about reality, according to ACT theory, and not reality itself, that is causing all the pain.
Recognizing that you’re not alone, or that there may be a biological drive at work might be helpful when we are wading through dirty pain. But if the wound is still fresh, sometimes we just need to take the time to grieve.
About Hadley Earabino
Hadley Earabino is an expert relationship coach based out of Atlanta Georgia. She is trained by Martha Beck, Oprah’s favorite life coach. After dealing with a divorce and a job that she outgrew, Hadley now lives a blessed life, one filled with love, adventure, creativity, dancing, poetry, children and dogs.
