Does Communicating Feel Like Drama?

Questions I get every day at work - "How do you work with teens and young adults all day?" "Why do teens look at their phones the entire session?" "How do I get my teen to talk to me? " "I had a young adult who came in today with their parent and the two of them spent the entire visit arguing!" Maybe you have asked or thought some of these yourself. No, you are not a bad communicator! No, it is not unusual that these experiences left you feeling dysregulated. Adolescents and Young Adults (AYA) can feel hard to communicate with. They do always give you positive feedback. They do spend a lot of time avoiding eye contact, isolating in their room or on their devices. They come across as self-centered (it's how they are supposed to be) and that can make connection feel inauthentic. There is also a really good reason for this. Imagine you go to work and to get there you have to carpool with 60 of your colleagues. By the way this carpool group is also how you are getting home. While at work you have 7 different bosses each with a different work style and priority that does not consider the needs of your other bosses. At work you have to get permission to take a break, stretch, eat, pause, speak, go to the restroom. You are not allowed to know what is going on outside of work while at work no matter what is happening in your life. You are reprimanded when you mess up in front of your co-workers. Your boss is allowed to make fun of you. After your workday finishes you are expected to do another 2-3 hours of work at home. Each week your boss emails your spouse before you get home to let them know how good or bad you are at your job. Your spouse gets to decide based on that report if your weekend of relaxation is cancelled. Sounds a little overwhelming! Maybe a little like jail....or school! Hear me out I am not saying school is not important! If serves a critical function and teaches valuable life lessons. However, if this is how you spend most of your days, it is not surprising that you end your day not interested in connecting with anyone and lashing out at the adults in your lives who can have the most impact. So what is a parent, doctor, youth director, coach or other caring adult in an AYA's life to do to have a conversation that does not devolve into an argument? Here are 4 simple steps that can take your communication from drama-filled to drama free in 4 weeks. 1) Pause - Give the teen 2 minutes to express what they want. If they say nothing sit in silence for the full 2 minutes. Most AYA will start talking in 30 seconds if you do not interrupt? 2) Connect - Ask a question or share a story that shows that you want to understand their world not explain it. Ask them to teach you something? Explain their perspective? Tell you how they think their concern could be solved. 3) Open - When you are listening and connecting keep an open-mind. Stay curious without judgement. The more curious you are the more they will talk. 4) Secure - Let them know you are always ready to listen and help if that is wanted. Ask permission to help. Ask if you can connect again or invite them to spend time with you doing something fun. Try these 4 steps out at least once a week. I promise they do not have to take more than 5 minutes. In four weeks, you will notice less arguing, fewer grunts, maybe they will even put their phone down because both of you are experiencing more authentic connection.