When “I’m Fine” Is a Survival Strategy: How Midlife Women Shift from Survival Mode to Self-Ownership

When “I’m Fine” Is a Survival Strategy - How Midlife Women Shift from Survival Mode to Self-Ownership There’s a special kind of exhaustion that doesn’t show up on blood tests. On paper, your life looks fine . You’re competent. Capable. People lean on you. You handle things. But your body is whispering a different story. Your chest tightens when you walk into certain rooms. Your stomach drops when a particular person calls. You wake up at 3am replaying conversations and wondering, “Is this… it?” If any of that lands, you’re not broken. You might just be living from a survival identity that was built decades ago. I know, because I did it for most of my life. The survival identity no one talks about A survival identity is the version of you that formed to get you through, abandonment chaotic homes boarding schools, institutions, foster care partners who needed rescuing more than relating workplaces where your needs never quite mattered My own survival identity was built early. Abandoned at 4 after my father died Catholic boarding schools and foster homes Ran away with a man at 14, married at 21 Addiction from 22–38, courtrooms and visiting rooms instead of family lunches On the outside, I “recovered” Divorce at 34. Showgirl. 15 years as a personal trainer. Then, in my late 50s, I became an ICF-accredited coach (ACC). Re-accredited again at 62. From the outside, that looks like resilience. But inside? For years, I was still that little girl trying to earn her right to exist. When “I’m fine” becomes armour If you grew up in chaos, you learn very quickly: Don’t be “too much.” Don’t need too much. Don’t rock the boat. So as an adult, “I’m fine” becomes your armour . You say you’re fine because, You don’t want to be a burden. You’re scared if you tell the truth, something will blow up. You’ve been shamed, dismissed, or gaslit so many times that minimizing feels safer. But your body doesn’t play along. Your nervous system tightens. Your breath shortens. Your jaw clenches. You feel that knot under your ribs or in your gut that won’t quite leave. That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your body saying: “This life might be safe enough … but it is not true to who you are anymore.” When your environment no longer matches your gifts One of the hardest realizations I’ve had in my 60s was this, “My coaching gifts weren’t broken, they were just living in the wrong house.” For years, I couldn’t work out why my coaching wouldn’t take off. I had my ACC. I’d completed Breakthrough Coaching training. I had the lived experience, the skills, the passion. And yet, every time I went to really step forward, something in me hit the brakes. It finally clicked, My home environment didn’t mirror my gifts. I am a deeply curious, reflective coach. I work with identity, truth, and emotional honesty. At home, I was living with someone who is kind but emotionally limited and not able (or willing) to meet me at that depth. No curiosity. No real follow-up questions. No desire to explore the inner world. Nothing “wrong” with him as a human being. But for my nervous system? For my calling? It was suffocating. Of course, my coaching felt stuck. The part of me that is a coach had nowhere to breathe. Survival mode in midlife looks very “together” If you’re a woman 45–65, survival mode can look deceptively functional, You hold down work, care for family, manage money. People tell you you’re strong, resilient, amazing. You know how to cope. You’ve always coped. But coping and living are not the same thing. Here are some subtle signs you might be stuck in survival identity: You minimize your pain: “It’s not that bad. Other people have it worse.” You stay loyal to situations that drain you because “they’ve done a lot for me.” You feel strangely guilty at the idea of wanting more . Your body relaxes when you imagine leaving… then you talk yourself out of it. You can coach, support, or advise everyone else – but freeze when it comes to your own next step. If you recognize yourself here, nothing has gone wrong. It just means the identity that once kept you safe is now keeping you small. Your body is your new compass One of the biggest shifts for me recently has been this simple rule, “When I honor my gifts, my body relaxes. That’s my new compass.” Pay attention to where your body says no, Tight chest when you walk into your own lounge room Jaw clenched every time a certain person talks over you Heavy, sinking feeling when you imagine “20 more years like this” And notice where your body says yes, Shoulders drop when you imagine having your own space Breath deepens when you picture work that actually fits you now A quiet sense of relief when you allow yourself to admit: “I don’t want this anymore.” That’s not selfish. That’s your nervous system telling the truth. Shifting from survival to self-ownership Self-ownership in midlife doesn’t mean burning everything down overnight. For most of the women I work with, it looks more like: Naming the truth without self-