Why Does Loving Yourself Matter?

When I was younger I thought only touchy feely people were into self love. It seemed somehow weak and lame to me. But as I matured and gained a measure of empathy for those around me, I began to entertain the idea of giving the same to myself. This was a completely covert operation that I didn’t talk about because it didn’t fit my outward persona. I didn’t want to appear emotionally sloppy or sappy.  In some way not loving myself was a defense against others not liking me. This bootstrap tendency made it hurt less. I could just ignore those uncomfortable feelings that fluttered around in my gut. And they wouldn’t touch me. Or so I thought. It turns out that you can’t express true empathy and compassion unless you extend it to yourself. I mean that genuine feeling that we all have pretty good radar to detect when it’s present, and also when it’s not. Compassion just isn’t believable when the person offering it has a raging inner critic who doesn’t allow “self pity”, the go to description of anything remotely tender, to exist for themselves. I started to develop self love when I realized that it was actually a strength. And not particularly easy to do. When I managed to summon that love, it sometimes brought up memories of when it was conspicuously absent, and that made me sad - not just when it wasn’t given, but also when I withheld it from others. But the sadness lifted when I allowed the feelings to be with me.  It seems counter intuitive to let in bad feelings because they aren’t supporting a positive outlook. But they are like figures in the shadows, abandoned and lonely. When they are invited into the light they feel seen and heard and that is a powerful thing! Why? Because it signals to the nervous system that it can stand down. It doesn’t have to have a fear or anxiety or traumatic stance anymore. Relief floods your whole being, and that feeling you’ve been turning away from gets to transform.  It doesn’t happen overnight. After all you (and I) spent a lifetime setting these patterns. But it’s a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. It can be practiced anywhere at any time. It’s so simple yet so effective and profound. To stay in the body and feel what it’s telling you. To stand with yourself non judgmentally, with an open heart is a very powerful thing. It is the fastest way to change. It was and is a revelation to me that self acceptance is the first stage of real and lasting sustainable change. You can’t force yourself to do things differently when you’re condemning and judging. It is reactive, the opposite of clear. It just doesn’t work.   Throughout my life I’ve learned that we are complex, multi faceted beings with a whole spectrum of strategies, perspectives and stories. And those stories and patterns and ways of negotiating the world can be changed to serve and suit us better. Even a small change can ripple in many directions and alter a life. The funny thing is we all have the remedy built into us. We just have to use it.